Potty Thoughts

Potty thoughts, ideas, photos, stories, funnies, jokes, and theories. Feel free to contribute (ailynzel at yahoo dot com).

Friday, July 29, 2005

Potty Thoughts - Sex Q & A



Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.



Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.



Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
(LOL!!! Gross...)


Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

A. The captains log.


Potty Thoughts - Take the Urinal Challenge

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_256.htm


Interesting test. I did pretty well, got a few wrong (who teaches men this stuff?? LOL).

Potty Thoughts - Comics

For those of you who don't keep up with the news, these are the strips that Dan mentioned in the comment section (thanxx again Dan for the great material):


from Doonesbury.com



from Prickly City

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Potty Thoughts - When Shit Happens...


Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...


Ghost Shit
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Shit
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

Snake Shit
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit
The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Shit
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit
You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt Shit
The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Potty Thoughts - IceCream

Thanxx to Dan for the great find.

Pix grabbed from here: http://www.boingboing.net/2005/07/26/ice_cream_cups_cash_.html

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Potty Thoughts - The Perfect Dump?


I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....


The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes. (walls?? LOL!!!)

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

LMFAO!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Potty Thoughts - Hazardous Material




I have heard of "Peeping Toms," but this guy takes the cake and a little something "extra" too! Mmmmm....

A man is facing charges after police said they pulled him from a tank under a women's toilet that was filled with human waste.

Police said that Gary Moody, 45, was under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagas Highway in Albany. "You can draw your own conclusions as to the conditions we encountered," said Capt. John Hebert, of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department.

Police said that they got a call from the parents of a teenage girl who said that when she went to use the facilities, she saw Moody's face staring back at her from the hole.

Moody was hosed off before police cuffed him. "It's a very filthy environment, and before we put anybody in contact with him, we had to decontaminate him," Hebert said. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material."


Monday, July 18, 2005

Potty Thoughts - Look Out Below!

I don't mean to offend, but....this is a Potty Thought! Tee hee.


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Potty Thoughts - Road-Side

Poor Bug. On the way home last night from picking them up (we were driving pretty late) Bug had to pee. After hoping she could wait for awhile, I took an exit and could not find anything in the immediate vicinity. So we got back on the highway, and stopped. Traffic. Serious traffic. I-84 in CT sux at night, especially West bound. This road will never be done! So Bug kept complaining that she had to go real bad. I suggested pulling over and going in the grass but she refused. Didn't want to go in the grass. So I told her she would have to hold it then, but if she really had to go, now was the time because we were stuck and not going anywhere. After a lot of complaining, whining, wincing, and irritableness, I convinced her to try the side of the road. I told her no one would see her and that I would keep her covered and help her. So we pull over and I slant my car to hide her from oncoming traffic (not that any was moving). We got out of the car and she panicked some. "It's too noisy. I don't wanna." So we get back in the car and drive for another 5-10 min. (or 5-10 feet literally). I tell her again that it will be a long time before we get anywhere (it was another 15-20 min before we got to a possible exit) and she says ok, she will go on the side of the road.

We pull over and get out of the car. I hold her so she can squat (she's very young still and has yet to learn to levitate). But she can't go! She keeps looking around. The noise is distracting her. I tell her it's ok, it's just noise form the cars and the trucks. No one can see you, no one even knows you are there. They are all worried about getting home and out of traffic. I tell her, look at my eyes and just relax. Relax. She did and after a few minutes she was able to pee. PHEW! As I strap her in the car seat she laughs and tells me "daddy, people are staring at you now. They are staring at your butt outside the car door!" (I was hunched over to strap her in). I laugh with her and then tell her how proud I am that she was able to go on the side of the road. My baby, her first road-pee experience. And before you say anything, I had her use the bathroom before we got on the road. We were only driving for 15 minutes when she all of a sudden just had to go. kids!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Potty Thoughts- Toilet inspiration

Bathroom
Even bathroom tiles and an ordinary toilet can be inspiring.
This is a 19.69 X 23.62 in. photograph by Graciela Fuentes, a very talented Mexican artist who in this abysmal setting manages to transform a toilet into a support for a new image of the city of Monterrey, where I live and where she's from.